Average.

I have been 27 for 12 days now...and those 3 little dots say more than I ever could in this blog. 
I know I should be grateful for every day that I am still alive, grateful for my health etc etc etc...I know all of this and I really am, but as an almost 30 year old I feel like I have the right to not like being 27.  And I don't.  So suck it. 

Today I read this blog post today, by Mama Laughlin, and was blown away.  It's me.  She wrote about me. 

I have to come to grips with my body and it's current state.  Some of it caused by pregnancy. Most of it caused by my own laziness and great talent for making up excuses.  I eat like shit, am lazy so you already know by the previous two statements that I definitely have not seen a gym or any physical activity for a long time.  Nobody wants to read the ol' "Poor me, I'm fat" sob story bullshit, because let's be honest, it's all the same, so I am not going to do that.  I am just calling out the facts.  If I see them in writing, they are real.  

I was never the best at anything, but I was good.  I was never the hottest, but I was cute.  I was never the smartest, but I was average.  I went to an average high school, got average grades, went to an average college where I maintained average grades.  I married an anything but average husband, and bought an average house in an average city.  I was accustomed to average, and  became okay with it.  My body was average, and my tumultuous love affair with being average has finally caught up with me. 

It's not the clothes anymore, it's not an awkward mirror, it's not a bad week of having an appetite like a teenage boy.  It's me.  My weight, my body, my problem. 

I haven't had my WHY moment like Mama Laughlin, but I think I am ready to get there.  I am not going to make myself promises of how or when, but I will promise that this time I will do it.  If it kills me.  If I have to change everything, I will do it.
In the back of my mind, there is a little voice saying "Danielle, here you go again.  Another diet, and another fitness kick.  This will last three weeks," (Three weeks is how long it typically takes me to be over something) to say, "Aghfuckit, drinking, eating and being lazy is not only easier, it's way more fun than eating bland chicken breasts and salads for the next 6 months."  That's fine.  Talk all the shit you want to little voice, because if there is one thing I AM great (not good, but great!) at it's talking back.  I have a smart-ass, sarcastic, sometimes asshole mouth that gets me into a lot of trouble.  So believe me when I say, I know how to talk some serious shit too. 

I have no idea how I am going to do this. But I am.  I want me back.

The whining rant of a 26 year old.

I don't know when people typically come to a cross roads in their life, but I am definitely there.  I have this overwhelming feeling everyday that this is not what I want to do, this is not what I should be doing.
Inside my little house, I couldn't be happier.  I am married to my best friend, my son is everything I could have asked for and my dog is always ecstatic to see me.  As soon as I walk out the doors of this beautiful environment I have built, my heart just sinks.
Just a warning, this is not one of my "cheeriest" posts.
I hate driving 45 minutes into work everyday, I don't feel like I am worth a shit at my job, and the even longer drive home just reaffirms the fact that I hate driving to work.
It's hard to get excited about getting up in the morning and going to work, when you feel like you could be doing so much more.  I want a job where I determine what needs to be done and how to do it.  I want to be able to go down a path and feel confident about my decision.  I feel like a secretary.  Look, I understand that most of us will always have a boss, and someone will always be telling us what to do.  But I don't like being told, "We would really like to see you take the next step."  when there is no next step!  It's simply not there.  Everyday I push back the overwhelming feeling that this position is going nowhere, and that I will end up going nowhere because of it.  I've been told a million times that there is more for me to do, but nothing ever shows up besides some more or less clerical work here and there.
I know I am only 26, but I feel like I would be worth more if I stayed at home with my son, kept my house clean, laundry done, and dinner on the table everyday.  That to me feels like an accomplishment, taking care of my family.  I feel important.
I don't know if it's the industry I am in, or the work I am doing, but I am not happy.  When I first started I loved it.  I had no idea what I was doing half the time, but I soaked it all in.  Now, it's is essentially "same shit, different day."
So my dilemma is this...what do I want to do?  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  What do I love?  What would make me happy or fulfilled professionally? 

I love to write.
I love to make my own decisions.
I love flexibility. 
I love to be busy.
I love being successful at something.
I love getting things done on time.
I love to bullshit, crack a few jokes, than get down to business.
I love to feel important.

Real original right?

I hate thinking this way because being a Debbie Downer all the time, well, is a downer.  But the more I push these thoughts down, the more overwhelming and powerful they become.
I am just to big of a chicken to pull the trigger on any real changes.

I really hope there are others out there in this world that feel the same, or is it just my crazy brain?

Later Days,
DMD