I don't know when people typically come to a cross roads in their life, but I am definitely there. I have this overwhelming feeling everyday that this is not what I want to do, this is not what I should be doing.
Inside my little house, I couldn't be happier. I am married to my best friend, my son is everything I could have asked for and my dog is always ecstatic to see me. As soon as I walk out the doors of this beautiful environment I have built, my heart just sinks.
Just a warning, this is not one of my "cheeriest" posts.
I hate driving 45 minutes into work everyday, I don't feel like I am worth a shit at my job, and the even longer drive home just reaffirms the fact that I hate driving to work.
It's hard to get excited about getting up in the morning and going to work, when you feel like you could be doing so much more. I want a job where I determine what needs to be done and how to do it. I want to be able to go down a path and feel confident about my decision. I feel like a secretary. Look, I understand that most of us will always have a boss, and someone will always be telling us what to do. But I don't like being told, "We would really like to see you take the next step." when there is no next step! It's simply not there. Everyday I push back the overwhelming feeling that this position is going nowhere, and that I will end up going nowhere because of it. I've been told a million times that there is more for me to do, but nothing ever shows up besides some more or less clerical work here and there.
I know I am only 26, but I feel like I would be worth more if I stayed at home with my son, kept my house clean, laundry done, and dinner on the table everyday. That to me feels like an accomplishment, taking care of my family. I feel important.
I don't know if it's the industry I am in, or the work I am doing, but I am not happy. When I first started I loved it. I had no idea what I was doing half the time, but I soaked it all in. Now, it's is essentially "same shit, different day."
So my dilemma is this...what do I want to do? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. What do I love? What would make me happy or fulfilled professionally?
I love to write.
I love to make my own decisions.
I love flexibility.
I love to be busy.
I love being successful at something.
I love getting things done on time.
I love to bullshit, crack a few jokes, than get down to business.
I love to feel important.
Real original right?
I hate thinking this way because being a Debbie Downer all the time, well, is a downer. But the more I push these thoughts down, the more overwhelming and powerful they become.
I am just to big of a chicken to pull the trigger on any real changes.
I really hope there are others out there in this world that feel the same, or is it just my crazy brain?
Later Days,
DMD
