I just want to say a HUGE thank you for the overwhelming amount of support I received from yesterday's post. Every text, call, facebook message...it meant so much! Really it did. And to anyone going through this...I can only hope it made you feel a little less alone. I know this morning when I woke up, I sure did.
The fact that it was summer really helped me move forward. Every weekend was packed with plans, and I refuse to ever let a summer go to waste. When you live in a frozen tundra 8 months out of the year...you never EVER let anything ruin a day soaking up sunshine.
We were spending our week long vacation at the lake, Patrick and I took Hunter swimming at the resort next to our cabin. I'll never forget this moment. I was sitting at a table with Hunter, coloring, Pat was outside gabbing away with god knows who. Kid can talk all day, to everyone/anyone. He plopped down next to us, like any other time, started telling me who he was talking to and what gossip was going around. He casually mentioned that a couple we had known, was pregnant again with their second. I froze. I looked up at him, and it was like someone had turned on a faucet. Tears started streaming down my face. Right there in the damn lodge! I suddenly felt a thousand eyes on me..."Who is this nut?" is what they were saying.
Pat said, "Dani, you can't do this here. Go to the bathroom and breathe." So I did. This was not one of those lump up on the floor ugly crys....it was just tears. I didn't resent this couple, I was happy for them! It should be us sharing that news with everyone, instead of bearing this 100lb lead weight of a secret. And it made me angry. When shit like this goes down in my life...I always lean towards anger more than sadness. When I get angry, I feel more powerful than when I am sad. To me, sadness is more uncontrollable than anger. I can focus my anger on something productive.
That was the only time that ever happened. The rest of the day was kind of a blur, and so was the summer. We had a great summer as a family. Patrick was dead set on us moving forward, and whether I wanted to or not, made me move on.
It was another weekend at the lake, we had bonfires every night. That Saturday night, I was so dang tired I barely cracked a beer. I think I was in bed by 10pm...and slept until 9am the next morning. When we got home, I flopped on the couch and slept all day. I was a huge pile of worthlessness.
That whole week at work, I was tired too. I kept pushing the thought of pregnancy out of my head.
"Don't get excited."
"Just let it play out."
"Just forget it. You're fine."
"Do not take a pregnancy test."
"Am I pregnant?"
"I think I am pregnant."
"Is this a sign of pregnancy?"
"Should I take a test?"
All these thoughts were playing in my head on repeat...over and over again. I couldn't make my mind shut off. So I did what any rationale person would do...I took two tests that afternoon and one the next morning.
All positive. I left one on the bathroom counter for Patrick to find. He came out, and said,
"D...did you see this?"
"Yep."
I could tell that he was unsure how to react. Of course we were exited, but we both were very guarded about it. I would call it...cautiously optimistic. I guess after the first miscarriage, I had it set in my mind that I would more than likely have a second one. Two, and I would be done.
I only wish that was the case.
I had gone to the doctor earlier that week to have my HCG levels drawn...I had called they day after to get the results, and the levels were low. I was still holding onto hope that it was ok they were that low, but in the back of my mind, I knew what it really meant.
It was another Saturday morning, we had a packed schedule with a birthday part to go to later that day. I woke up, went to the bathroom. And I was bleeding. I stood there in complete shock. After a few minutes, I mumbled...F**K, it was all I could say.
I walked out and told Pat what was going on. To be honest, I can't even remember what he said, or how he reacted. I was all over the place. mad - crying - back to normal - dazed - angry - confused. You have got to be shitting me...was the only thing I can remember clearly thinking.
We headed over to the birthday party, not telling anyone. I thought I would try to distract myself with the commotion of the people and all the kids running around. But my body had other things in my. I started cramping pretty bad when we arrived. Every cramp was like a punch to my gut. A slap in the face almost. It got overwhelming. It didn't help that it was the temperature was in the 90's that day. The people, the heat, the commotion...it was too much. I quietly lost it. I put my sunglasses on to hide the tears, grabbed Pat by the arm and said, "I can't do this babe...I've got to go home." He only asked once if I was sure...and than made his way around saying goodbyes, blaming our early exit (as all good parents do) on getting Hunter to bed on time. He did it all for me.
I probably could have toughed it out...I probably should have just sat down, had a beer and relaxed. And it all would have been fine. Well, hind sight is always 20/20 right? I can't let those should have's and would have's run over my life...because boy would they ever.
Again, it gets kind of blury at this point. I turned into a robot. One day at a time. We eventually made an appointment with our OBGYN, looking for some sort of reason or answer. We walked away with nothing. It's another one of those things they said...you aren't abnormal until you have three or more. Well, great. Just effing great. Thanks for nothing.
Patrick kept repeating, "We'll try again. It will be fine. We will try again. We already have one little guy who I love so much...if for whatever reason we can't have more, than I am happy with just him." "Yeah, me too." But I wasn't. I knew that my family was not complete yet. And now I was more determined than ever to either figure it out...or get and STAY pregnant. As my grandma would say...God Dammit Anyway!
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